Originally Written: May 10, 2001
DAY OF REALIZATION – (before My first time in EaTING DISORDER treatment)
I grabbed a box of Special K, a gallon of milk, and a bag of carrots from the fridge I share with my three roommates. I proceeded to go into my room and lock the door to be alone with my eating disorder. I began my ritual of eating the carrots as I turned on Lifetime. For those of you that don’t know, it’s much easier to start a binge with carrots. It creates a barrier to know when you have thrown everything up. They sink to the bottom of your stomach. Typically, you do this when you are eating really unhealthy food. Looking back, the fact that I ate carrots when I was going to binge and purge on cereal shows how fucked up in the head I was at the time.
I started eating the cereal and milk until I could barely breathe. I ran to the bathroom and made myself sick until I saw the carrots in the toilet. I went back for round 2 and 3 and 4. Once the box of cereal and milk was gone, I sat down on my bed and thought WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?
I don’t know what was different about this moment. I still try to meditate on what my reasoning was. This was just a typical day for me. I was just sick of it. I was completely sick of ED (aka eating disorder). I just remember thinking if this is what life is…then I would rather just die. I couldn’t live this way anymore. I grabbed my computer and started to research eating disorders and eating disorder treatment facilities. I wrote an email to my parents and added all the links I found. I told them that I needed help and need to go into a treatment facility.
In life, we all have crossroads. It’s easier to identify them when we look back at things. This was a big crossroad for me. I was a freshman in college and I was about to accept an internship in NYC. I was going to be an intern for Ralph Rucci, a world known fashion designer. I was going to live with models and eat/live/breath fashion for my entire summer. However, that day, with that bowl of cereal, changed everything. I decided I needed to go into treatment instead. If I didn’t go to treatment that summer, I would have died from an eating disorder.