Originally Written: August 2, 2006, Day 2 in Treatment #2
I feel uncomfortably full right now. Nothing in particular was a huge trigger food at dinner, but I feel so full. I can’t explain it. My stomach is killing me. No feelings are coming up right now. I feel empty emotionally, but overstuffed physically. Why? It was a normal amount of food. I feel absolutely awful right now. Maggie talked about her lunch excursion to a Chinese restaurant. Shut up Maggie. I can’t see myself eating Chinese food ever again without a massive amount of anxiety and wanting to purge.
Thoughts in my mind: ED rejoined my life in December. I thought ED was gone forever, but I was wrong. I remember binging and purging during Christmas time when I moved back to Florida. This was after not being hungry for a few months and I just stopped eating all together. I remember friends saying it was the best I have ever looked. However, I feel like I am not skinny enough to be here.
I am really frustrated about how Renfrew Day/Eve program has changed since the last time I was here. I can’t eat the breakfast here. I have to bring my own and eat it here. That really fucking pisses me off. It also pisses me off that I only have two therapy sessions a week. Someone said that the only reason they were here was their therapist. I don’t even like mine. This is so frustrating. I will never get better.