Originally Written: August 3, 2006 and August 4, 2006, Day 3 and 4 in Treatment #2
Inspiration Celebration was the next group on the list for the day. Honestly, I am very uncomfortable being in this group. It’s like organized religion. I don’t believe in a higher power. The focus was unity and acceptance. At least, I can relate to that. We all have one thing in common – we all want to get better.
My mind is wandering. I cannot listen to all this God talk. I don’t believe in God. I have more important things to focus on, such as my current therapist isn’t going to help me the way I need to be helped. I feel like I am getting nowhere in treatment right now. I feel ugly, stupid, gross, bad, fat, like no one likes me, that I don’t deserve friends, and I just fucking hate myself.
Circle of Life Garden Ritual
The next day I was required by the therapy team to go to the Circle of Life Garden Ritual even though I found it absurd. If I don’t believe in religion or a higher power, why would I be required to go to such a group? I don’t think organized religion is a key to eating disorder recovery.
We were required to pick up a rock from a basket. Yes a fucking rock. We were told that each rock had a word written on it that would resonate with each of us. I found this stupid. I picked up a rock that said Faith on it. It’s quite ironic because that is the one thing I guess really need yet I do not have. I don’t even know where to start to find faith. Faith is so important to me yet it feels so far away.
Link to an article about my beliefs now – 2017. Spirituality and God.