Originally Written: August 1, 2006, Day 1 in Treatment #2
After eating lunch and after meal, I met with my therapist for the first time. This did not go as planned. I don’t know if I really feel a connection with her. Cathy is a woman in her late twenties who seems very simple, is quite overweight, and seems too nice. I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking with her. How do I voice my discomfort and whom do I talk to about it? I am very picky about who I work with and open up to. I miss my therapist from FSU. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t see myself opening up to her at all. This will be pointless. I am so aggravated right now. I might as well quit now. Why did I even come back here? I am not going to get better.
Thoughts reading this in 2017: It’s actually humorous reading this today. Of course, my eating disorder (ED) has a problem with everything in treatment. The excuses are endless. ED wanted to be in control of my treatment, of my therapist, and of my food intake. At times, ED can sit on the sidelines, but he magically creeps up with opinions at the most peculiar times. Naturally my so-called-best-friend, ED, goes into survival mode when threatened. If I loved my therapist and started tearing apart my relationship with my eating disorder immediately, what happens to ED? Bye Felicia. It’s not a good set up for him. Hence, the so called “problem” with my therapist.
It’s important to start recognizing the difference between your voice and the voice of ED. I have done a lot of journaling to separate the two voices. Awareness is the first step.