Originally Written: August 1, 2006, Day 1 in Treatment #2
Day 1 – second time in Treatment
Laying in bed, I can’t help but think of all the events that brought me to this exact moment in my life. All these thoughts are absolutely suffocating. I just want to be able to breathe again and feel normal. Just last night, I binged and purged eight times knowing how detrimental it was to my recovery. That is such terrible behavior to indulge in right before driving myself this morning to Renfrew, an eating disorder treatment facility, to get help. It’s like smoking the crack pipe one more time before ‘planning’ to quit. WTF was I thinking? I haven’t been admitted nor have I fully disclosed to my parents how serious this relapse really is.
Am I really here? Is this what I want? Do I really want do this again? Does this mean I failed the first time in treatment? I was the poster child of treatment the first time I was here 5 years ago. I was 19 years old and I was fully recovered upon being discharged. I was healed. I dealt with my shit, did everything they said to do, worked through my guilt and shame (what fed my eating disorder), yet I am back. I can’t explain it, but I know I need to come back right now. Something within me is pulling me here.
As I walked onto the Renfrew compound for the second time, I felt like I wasn’t sick enough to be there. Am I taking someone’s spot that needs help more than I do? I am not emaciated like I was the first time I was here. They are probably going to rethink their decision and explain that I am not nearly as thin as I should be in order to be admitted (I was later told by a therapist that everyone feels that way).
As I walked through the doors of Renfrew, the feeling of guilt filled my body. Not only do I feel guilty about being back in treatment for the second time, I also feel guilty that my parents are paying all this money again and that I am not skinny enough to be here. What a beautiful combination. I am 24 years old and I am a fucking mess.
I feel weird being back. I also have a lot of anxiety because they are taking away my cell phone. I am a day/eve patient, as of right now, so they have the right to take my phone. All I wanted to do was talk to my ex and I want him to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I need reassurance. I need someone to tell me that it’s going to be ok. We broke up a week ago…