Originally Written: August 4, 2006, Day 4 in Treatment #2
My stomach is killing me before dinner. I have a lot of anxiety. I am thinking about my ex-boyfriend and how I feel like I don’t deserve him. This isn’t about him Jonna…this is about me. What is going on inside me? I HATE myself. Nobody wants me. I don’t deserve happiness. Jonna…STOP. I deserve happiness and to be loved. I need to learn to love myself. I need to work on myself. DON’T believe any of this bullshit. You are a piece of shit and you suck. You don’t deserve anything. You are a bad person.
I have so much anxiety about dinner. It’s pizza tonight and that is a HUGE trigger food for me. The last time I had pizza I binged and purged 8 times right before treatment at my ex-boyfriend’s house when he wasn’t home.
I feel awful after dinner. I can’t believe I just ate pizza. Only fat, ugly people eat pizza. Weak people eat pizza. I want it out of me. I am not even thinking about how happy I was in recovery before my relapse. I am thinking back to when I was really sick before recovery and how I want to go back to that. I hate how I feel right now. I just want to be skinny again. I feel DISGUSTING. I just want to purge. I can’t even talk in after meal. I am completely closed off.
I decided to wait until after group and I will talk to the counselor. I am freaking out. I am crying uncontrollably. I talked to the counselor, Nikki, and she helped me a lot. I talked to her about my fears and how overwhelmed I am. She told me that everyone here thinks they don’t deserve to be here, they aren’t skinny enough, and that if people really knew them, they wouldn’t like them. We also talked about codependency. I like Nikki a lot. I feel a little better. I am shocked that I was able to opened up a little. Baby steps.