Originally Written: August 4th, 2006, Day 4 in Treatment #2
I walked to body image group right after lunch. I feel ok about lunch. I feel full and satisfied, but not overstuffed. However, I feel a little uncomfortable with the fullness. My stomach really hurts. I don’t know why. It has been 3 and a half days of eating 100%. I hate my stomach right now. I want to be skinner. I want to be sick skinny. I remember when I was 98 pounds. It felt so good, but I also remember feeling really fucking awful.
The lead therapist in group started off by saying recovery is a rocky road and an ongoing process, but worth it. Our bodies are not separate from us, but they shouldn’t define us. I thought to myself…Recovery is rocky? Really? You think? No shit Sherlock.
The group was, then, asked the following two questions:
- Why do I love my body?
- What do I want to be able to do when I leave Renfrew?
Why do I love my body? I don’t love anything about my body currently. Absolutely nothing.
What do I want to be able to do when I leave Renfrew? I want to be able to be in a bathing suit around people without feeling anxiety and worrying every second about how I look. I don’t want to have to cover myself up because I hate my body. I don’t want to feel self-conscious when I eat around people. I want to be able to appreciate my body more and love it instead of tearing it apart. I want to feel more comfortable in my clothes and enjoy wherever I am. I want to be in the moment instead of always being in my own head. I want to feel beautiful.
If you focus on building yourself up as a person and doing things you love, your body won’t matter in the same way. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it. When you feel better about yourself, what others think about you doesn’t matter as much.