Originally Written: August 4, 2006, Day 4 in Treatment #2
Day 4 has begun. I had my third therapy session with good old Cathy. We talked about a lot of important issues. I came in with my journal and started to list off all the things I needed to discuss. I want each issue to be put in a pretty, little box and I want to deal with them one at a time. I want it all to be organized and dealt with logically. Cathy definitely threw my idea into the shitter because she said therapy doesn’t work like that.
I talked about my ex most of the session. It really pissed me off because I am not even with him. Why am I wasting time and money talking about him? Cathy said I have to make guidelines with him, also known as boundaries. If I think about it logically, neither one of us can give 100% right now to a relationship. I need to stop being a receiver and initiate boundaries. I need to make boundaries with him to make myself feel more comfortable in the situation. But how?
We touched on my abandonment issues. I need to set boundaries with the people in my life and be independent to reduce my abandonment worries. I am codependent. What does that mean? How did I become codependent? Cathy gave me a book to read called Codependent No More.
I don’t know how to differentiate moods and feelings. If someone is in a bad mood and aren’t nice to me, I assume they don’t like me anymore. I take the person’s mood as their feelings instead of them just being in a bad mood.
My homework from Cathy is to find one thing…just one thing I can be patient with regarding myself. I also need to work on being emotionally fed by myself. What the hell does that mean?
Then we talked about how I get out of control and lose it emotionally. I intentionally drink to be self-destructive. It’s easy to be self-destructive. Cathy wants me to write an issues list and then look at themes within that list. Why am I self-destructive? Why am I so dependent on other people? In overwhelming moments, she wants me to look at how I can cope by myself without reaching out to someone else.
Cathy also told me that the staff told her I seemed very angry yesterday. I was sad, not angry. Why did people perceive me as angry? She also said I need to stop saying that I don’t know how I feel. She wants me to think about it for a few minutes and then tell her how I am feeling because she knows that I am feeling a certain way and I need to learn to verbalize it. I just don’t like saying how I feel. Why did people think I was angry yesterday? Do I portray myself to others differently than I see myself often? What is the reason?