Originally Written: August 2, 2006, Day 2 in Treatment #2
I went to “Emotion Regulation” at 9:15 am. We talked about support and the importance of it. I know that sounds obvious, but it isn’t to someone struggling with an eating disorder. They are very secretive disorders. Individuals suffering from eating disorders typically don’t ask for help. I surely didn’t until it was life threatening. It’s important to also have several different people in your support network. If you look for support in just one area or person, what happens when they go away or something happens? You are left alone without support, which can be dangerous for someone struggling.
This discussion brought up a lot of emotions for me. As we discuss the importance of support, I truly feel like a burden to everyone in my life. ED has created so much selfishness within me. I have made ED #1 in my life causing so many bridges to go up in flames. At this point, I don’t feel like I can reach out to any of my friends or family. How do you rebuild a bridge that no longer exists?
The counselor, leading the discussion, explained that we control whom we let into our lives and it’s important to have a variety of relationships in our lives. That is easier said than done. Once ED has taken over, you just don’t give a shit about building or keeping relationships. It’s easier and safer to just be alone.
The group continued to talk about emotions as I started to get lost in my own head. I need to start understanding the difference between moods and feelings. I need a lot of reassurance. I need to build a foundation and, then, the bad won’t be so bad. I need to create a routine and discover myself. How? I shut down to other people when I focus on my inaccurate perception. I need to start to trust my own decisions when I am healthy. I need to enjoy the moment and distract myself from negative thoughts. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I need to focus on today because I can’t change the past and I don’t know the future. I feel so lost.