Originally Written: August 3, 2006, Day 3 in Treatment #2
Today after breakfast group sessions begin with the group called bulimic eating patterns. The lead therapist shares two stories with us about women struggling with bulimia. I can relate to both stories we discussed.
I used to say no to social situations because of bulimia. When I would eventually muster up the courage to finally go out with friends, I would get drunk to hide my pain and unhappiness. Just like the girl in the story, I have boundary issues with my parents, obsessive thinking, and I am dependent on men for happiness. Did they base this story on me or are we seeing a pattern with women and eating disorders? I am going to take a wild guess that it’s the latter.
I am working on ridding myself of this demon that calls himself my friend, ED. I am such a perfectionist. It’s fucking exhausting. The minute one thing goes wrong or someone says something wrong, I freak out and close off to the world. I have so much anxiety right now. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.
I relate to the character with her over-exercising and restricting patterns. When I had to eat to look ‘healthy’ and ‘normal’, I would binge and purge until I was throwing up bile just like the girl in the story. I also relate to the anxiety tied to hiding that I wasn’t eating and her distorted body image. I really don’t think I see myself accurately anymore. I can also relate to thinking being thin equates happiness, the dizzy spells, moments of going crazy, and uncovering pieces of my life that had been pushed so far down that I didn’t even know they existed. I mean seriously…is an eating disorder that predicable? I thought I was doing something no one else knew about. Clearly there is a whole gang of us. Lol.
These two stories remind me of how miserable my eating disorder was. I am literally purging my feelings in this group. It felt nice to hear so many other women relate to these stories. I am not alone.