Originally Written: August 1, 2006, Day 1 in Treatment #2
After meal is a support group in treatment in which everyone talks about how they felt during a particular meal. Today’s after meal is about lunch time. To be honest, I forgot what after meal was like. Being back in “After Meal” feels like such a set back in my recovery. I am sitting here listening to everyone and I don’t know how I really feel. I feel numb.
I don’t have that much anxiety over lunch. I feel a bit overwhelmed, guilty for being back, and worried that I won’t get better. I know I need to find healthy coping mechanisms. I feel bad for myself and I hate that I don’t love myself. Why can’t I just love myself? What did I do to deserve all this shit? Why can’t I just be happy? Why am I going through this for the second time. It makes me extremely angry.
The therapist worked her way around the room and now it’s my turn. “My meal was fine”. I will say whatever to just get past my turn in the group. I have nothing to say right now. The numbness has taken over my entire body and soul.